arse poetica

Throwing my Sun Salutation all up in ya face!

Hoo, I needed that.

Dirt Under My Nails » I’m so gonna downward-dog your ass!.

When it comes to yoga, honey, I’m one Ashtanga crazy beyatch throwing my Sun Salutation all up in ya face.

Don’t you come in here posin’ because up in this Y, we yoga tough. This ain’t your mamma’s yoga, this is extreme yoga.

Monkey pose … bam! Flying Crow pose … bam! That’s right. I’m not even spilling my latte. You scared now? You should be.

Uh oh … Upward Facing Dog … bam! That’s right. I’m doing the dog. Uh oh … did you hurt yourself? Why don’t you take a break and see how the big girls play.

Why don’t you sit there and watch me reach a state of perfect peace? Check it out … Bam! Peace! Right there. Just reached it. I reach inner peace faster than any of these chumps circular breathing in here. I got so much inner peace it’s shooting out my nose. But I’m not done yet … oh no. Lotus pose … bam! Headstand pose … bam!

Check it out ... Bam! Peace! Right there. Bwaha! I want to be a peace badass, too. Must do more yoga.

Oh, Really? Cos Barack Obama Built Me a Robot

And baked me a pie. And recited a poem that reminded him of me.

He luuurves me.

Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle.

Emoticons During Wartime

Haha...ha...argh.

Shouts & Murmurs: Emoticons During Wartime.

:-)

No new attacks reported today.

:-(

New attack reported today.

=|:-)=

This e-mail is being monitored by Uncle Sam for your protection.

:-x

I’d rather not say in an e-mail that’s being monitored for my protection.

:-w

Our current leader speaks with forked tongue.

*:o)

Our current leader is a bozo.

/:-=(

Our current leader in some ways resembles Adolf Hitler, at least in his disregard for civil liberties during wartime.

:-o

Uh-oh, what was that?

:-@

I hear screaming.

B)

Now donning protective goggles.

Where's the icon for "losing soul in a crumbling democracy"? >:-/

[via]

Dried by the Breath of Unicorns

When historians look back on the Bush madministration's legacy of heinous crimes and mind-boggling idiocy, will they also note that Bush, besting despots and buffoons the world over since the dawn of time, has somehow managed to kill satire dead?

President To Investigate Where Laundry Chute Goes.

What? Somebody tell a joke?

O frabjous day!

Well, that's it for today then. Now that I know, I'm sure to waste positively spend the rest of the day reading Stephen Fry's blog.

Buh-bye!

You Know You Want It

Those crazy Icelanders! I so want this.

The Bearded Cap by Vik Prjónsdóttir.

[via]

You, Too, Can Profit On the Backs of the Working Poor!

Extracting the maximum profit from the working poor. Finally, a lobby we can all get behind!

Predatory Lending Association (PLA).

Take that, grandma! Who says you need heat all winter?

Take that, family of 5 living on minimum wage! Scrambling for food will make you more competitive in the marketplace! Bootstraps, people, bootstraps!

Some people call them "debt traps," we call them opportunities!

BBC Upgrades Flap To Row

Best Onion piece in ages. I am literally crying tears over here over "the other geezers went chicken oriental." Bwaaahahhahahaah!

BBC Upgrades Flap To Row.

LONDON—The nightly Ten O'Clock News program on Great Britain's BBC One channel upgraded a minor flap in Parliament's House of Lords to an all-out row Tuesday after Conservative Party leader Thomas Galbraith, 2nd Baron Strathclyde, told the Lord Speaker to sod off. "The fortnight-old handbags suddenly exploded into a proper barney when Lord Strathclyde had an eppy and called Baroness Hayman a 'dozy slag' and then buggered off for a Jack Dash in the bog," BBC political correspondent Basil Islington said. "Needless to say, the other geezers went chicken oriental." The BBC said if the tossers don't jam their tarts by late afto, they will be forced to classify the bull and cow as a paddy, though they haven't ruled out the possibility of a total fucking pagger.

Also, I am thinking of changing my name to Basil Islington.

In Which I Only Had It in Me To Chuckle Half-Heartedly

Ha...ha...bleah.

Waterboarding To Feature In 2012 London Olympics.

London, UK -- U.S. Olympic Commission Director Bob Famous announced Friday that waterboarding has been added to the 2012 Summer Games, which are scheduled to be held in London, England. Weather permitting, events will take place on or near the River Thames; expected categories include team, relay, and freestyle waterboarding. All scoring will be based on well-established "sudden death" criteria.

[snip]

In Beijing, Chinese Olympic waterboarding team captain and seven-time national champion Xiao Yin Zhang responded to the news with characteristic vigor.

"Tell those weak and puny Americans to bring their best game," said Xiao. "The People's Republic will give the United States a waterboarding lesson, you bet. My country has been waterboarding since long before the Pilgrims landed in California."

"I will admit," added the feisty Chinese athlete, "those Pilgrims would have been formidable foes. That Salem team was fanatical."

Who, Me?

Ahem.

Not that I know any, but I'm sure some grammer natzee's out there can relate.