In Which I Only Had It in Me To Chuckle Half-Heartedly

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Waterboarding To Feature In 2012 London Olympics.

London, UK -- U.S. Olympic Commission Director Bob Famous announced Friday that waterboarding has been added to the 2012 Summer Games, which are scheduled to be held in London, England. Weather permitting, events will take place on or near the River Thames; expected categories include team, relay, and freestyle waterboarding. All scoring will be based on well-established "sudden death" criteria.

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In Beijing, Chinese Olympic waterboarding team captain and seven-time national champion Xiao Yin Zhang responded to the news with characteristic vigor.

"Tell those weak and puny Americans to bring their best game," said Xiao. "The People's Republic will give the United States a waterboarding lesson, you bet. My country has been waterboarding since long before the Pilgrims landed in California."

"I will admit," added the feisty Chinese athlete, "those Pilgrims would have been formidable foes. That Salem team was fanatical."

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